Defining Forgiveness

A few weeks ago, a lady I know, an acquaintance from church, was sharing some difficulties in her marriage. And I felt strongly that there was a lot going on behind just the words. I said that it sounded like she needed to forgive her husband. Her response of ‘I can’t, I just don’t think I can’ shouldn’t surprise me. But it did.

Why do we say we cannot? As we outlined in the previous post, as far as I forgive others, I will be forgiven (see here). Yet, we must also admit that this is not a simple one-and-go teaching. What I mean is that Jesus returns to this idea of forgiveness numerous times. It is as if he is saying that he understands, he gets that forgiveness is not easy. As in Matthew 18:21-22, Jesus acknowledges that forgiveness is challenging, ‘Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’

What is forgiveness?

Have we really defined forgiveness? I mean what is it? Clearing another person’s debt against us? Wiping the slate clean? We all know it is much more complicated than that. If I could wipe the slate clean, then I could forget the offense. But that is not what happens. Ergo, that is not forgiveness.

UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center states that ‘Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.’ a

Wikipedia has a lengthy article on the topic, beginning with ‘Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance (however justified it might be).’ b

I think that secular theory often has a place of affirming what the Bible says. These two definitions do a decent job of saying something about forgiveness. But the root of forgiveness is in God. How can you release feelings if they are not released to something or someone? If we release, then does that mean the person is free? In the idea of a debt, that is certainly the case. But, an offense? What are we releasing to? Why choose to change our feelings? How do you change feelings toward a liar, rapist or murderer? The root of that change is God. Forgiveness makes sense to me only because of God.

We release the debt to God.

The account that the offender has with us is handed over to God. He is the one who will collect. God will collect the debt. He will avenge the offense.

I am mindful of the length of these posts – and realize that this will be two posts. Sorry, because we have not yet gotten to the conclusion of ‘withholding forgiveness’ and believing that we ‘cannot’ forgive.

But I think this definition of forgiveness is important. I’ll do my best here: Forgiveness is releasing our feelings about an offense and offender to God so that God can heal us of the hurt and injuries sustained in the offense.

What do you think of the definition? What have I left out? What needs to be included? Write in the comments for us to talk about it. We will also look at what forgiveness is NOT. Until next time!

a https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition, 23 Jan 2020.

b https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness, 23 Jan 2020.