Self-control: Thoughts of self-doubt
My church small group has begun studying Philippians and a few weeks ago when we began, we started in Acts 16. This is the chapter in Acts that describes Paul’s arrival, incarceration and departure from Philippi. During our discussion, one of the participants said that they couldn’t imagine what Paul was thinking while in jail, was it something like ‘oh boy, I’ve messed up now. I doubt God’s plan was for me end up in jail! Why did I let my temper get the best of me again?!?! It was just a little annoyance and now we are in jail. When am I ever going to change?’
I could really identify with that thought narrative! This is not just about consequences, but the self-doubt that comes when we end up where we did not expect, when we feel like one of our weaknesses has caused us to lay a trap and then we lead ourselves right into it. This kind of self-doubt can quickly get out of control. In small group, we even said, how could he have done wrong when casting out a demon, yet he ends up with a beating and imprisonment for a reward. Did he experience such thoughts?
In Paul’s shoes
If Paul did have those thoughts, I don’t think they would have gone as far as they do when I get stuck in doubt. Maybe he was able to say ‘hm, Lord maybe I wasn’t supposed to do that, sorry. Now what are you going to do to bring about your glory even in this?’ really quickly? Was he so attuned to God’s forgiveness that he shed that guilt quickly and then moved to praising God and singing hymns? I’d like to think so. It is a good pattern to establish, for sure.
I suspect that Paul took this a step beyond guilt followed by immediate deeply understood forgiveness. Perhaps he is a model of being so certain of who he is in Christ, that none of that phased him. Perhaps there was no doubt in his position as a beloved and treasured son of God, that none of this doubt came up. I am who He says I am; this is what Paul has so ingrained into him. Usually it is Peter who is so impulsive, but here it seems to be Paul, who was ‘irritated or annoyed’ and casts out the demon. Yet here we see that Paul is not rebuked or set straight as Peter so often was. Instead, he seems to remain secure in who he is and what he is doing. The result of Paul’s actions falls under my category of ‘out of control’ and ‘not in my plan’. I can easily see my thoughts spiraling into the self-doubt pattern, but what I have learned this month is that God is pleased by my faith, not by the success or failure of my actions. I too need to embrace the forgiveness immediately, stop the guilt trip and move into the plan of God because He delights in me (Psalm 149:4).
He delights in you
That is the trouble of self-doubt and carrying the guilt or doubt thereof. We question if we have pleased God or upset him. We question if we have pleased our guests, our parents, our spouse, our boss, our colleagues. Rest assured that God is pleased in you. Success or failure aside, God is pleased. I am who He says I am. Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong, but I know, I am absolutely certain that God is pleased with me, as Zephaniah 3:17 affirms, ‘The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.’ God is with me, His Spirit in me, He is a mighty warrior who fights for me, He delights in me, He loves me greatly and rejoices over me. One verse sums up all that power, the power of His love, grace, and delight. Embracing how God sees us, as the beloved described here challenges the self-doubt and overcomes it.
Overcomers
We can carry out the self-doubt war or we can be overcomers. Paul overcame the imprisonment through an earthquake. (Goodness, I hope at that point I would see that this was all God’s plan by then!) But he and the other prisoners stayed where they were. They were free and given the choice to stay or go, and they stayed. This leads to the saving of the jailer and his household, bodily and spiritually. That would not have been on my radar, in my plan, or even in my wildest dreams. Yet this is what confirms that Paul asked God to take the situation and make it for His glory. Paul shows us the person who fully understands who he is in Christ and embraces his adoption under Christ and that he has nothing to prove. God not only loves you immensely, but He is pleased with you. There is nothing more to do, nothing you do can add or subtract from that pleasure.
Embracing that we please God is part of renewing our mind with truth (Romans 12:2) and controlling our thoughts in cooperation with the Spirit who instructs us in that truth (John 14:26). We need to accept the truth that we are who God says we are. That acceptance is not merely a ‘yes’, it is a ‘wow’ about this truth and it reaching to our very spirit, communing with the Holy Spirit. God not only loves you immensely, but He is pleased with you.
