How to deal with regret biblically: 3 steps

I have received countless emails over the past week or so about goal setting for the new year. Many of these are about looking back before we look forward to 2023. I can’t help but think that looking back also means that we will find some regret. Maybe even large regrets.

I bet we are all familiar with that sense of regret. That feeling of disappointment or sadness over our choices is our regret; it may be a missed opportunity or even some decision we now wish we had not made (or at least made differently).

Regret defined

Regret is best understood in Christian context as an emotion that acknowledges mistakes and disappointments in our past, and then leads to forgiving ourselves, and possibly also receiving God’s forgiveness, for our loss or failure(s) and asking God to redeem them. We can regain possession of the losses or gain something greater for our disappointments by trusting in God to make the old new.

Some regrets are missed experiences, like one who never married but always wanted a family - children and grandchildren. Some regrets are decisions. Decisions that we regret may have simply been the least bad option at the time that have now progressed beyond imagination (and out of control – which they always were out of our control). Other regretful decisions may have been blatantly made against God’s guidance. When we have a regret over decisions taken against God’s guidance, we wronged our God and need to ask forgiveness. The others are not sins, but weights of disappointment that we need help bearing. He will bear these weights with us when we ask (Matt 11:28-30).

Regret as an emotion from God

It may surprise you that God also had regrets. He made decisions that did not turn out the way he wanted! Our emotions are a part of how we are made in his image, they should not be something that I’m ashamed of, but rather something that makes me stop and take note.

Aside regarding trust and God’s regret: God regretted choosing Saul as king of the Israelites (1 Samuel 15:11). He made the selection and Saul did not meet (maybe maintain) God’s expectations. We should take note here that God well knew Saul – he abilities, his heart, his weaknesses, and his strengths. God was certain that, with him, Saul would do well. God knows us. He has good plans for us, just as he knew Saul and had good plans for Saul. God also trusted Saul to stay with God, follow his ways and live in his Spirit as a new person (1 Samuel 10:6). Saul was led astray and did not turn back to God. We have another example of a hand-picked king in David. David too fell away form God, but when he was chastised, he returned to God. This is the difference in David’s regret and return to trusting in God versus Saul’s lack of regret and insistence in staying his course. Regret is an opportunity to change course toward God.

Biblical examples of regret

Naomi from the book of Ruth is a good example of a woman full of regrets. She returns to Bethlehem disappointed that she has lost her sons and has no grandchildren. By the end of the book, just four short chapters later, God has redeemed Naomi’s loss and given her a son and grandchild. Naomi missed out on things in her life, but God redeemed the loss.

Peter denied knowing Jesus, something he asked forgiveness for, and was restored to fullness in Christ. We can also see Judas as a similar example of one who regretted and did not turn to God, but away, causing grave emotional pain and eventually the result was taking his own life. These examples are stark reminders that God holds his arms open for us and ready for redemption, but we are the ones who must make that choice for God. Another example of regretting our actions and decisions is David’s change of heart regarding his actions toward Bathsheba (read more in 2 Sam. 11-12)

God redeems our losses

The examples we have considered above already show the main point that I wanted to make: God redeems our regrets. Whether the regrets were missed opportunities, poor decisions or sinful ones, God can redeem. He wants us to seek him as the one who loves us and protects us. He wants us to trust him for the redemption.

Beware expectations

We must be on our guard against expecting the redemption that God brings – our expectations are not usually God’s plans! In Naomi’s shoes, she could continue to complain and regret because the son she is given is not of her blood. But she chooses to see that God has given her the delight of family that she sought. Judas expected that he would not be forgiven and restored to his place in Jesus’ heart and as a disciple – but he was wrong.

At the end of Jacob’s life, he is reunited with his son Joseph and given the opportunity to meet the Pharoah. He expresses a life of regret, ‘few [years] and full of sorrow,’ (Gen. 47:9). By Gen. 48:15-16, seventeen years have passed (47:28) and we hear Jacob recall fondly his faithful Shepherd who protected him. His outlook has changed, his regrets have been redeemed in his mind’s eye.

Three steps to handle regret biblically

So as the goal setting perhaps continues, or as you glance at your year in review, things may not have gone as you wanted. You may have some regrets. If you do, consider taking these three simple steps:

1.      Take a moment to ask yourself if you sinned in this regret. If you did, ask God to forgive you and forgive yourself; just say it out loud.

2.      Ask God to redeem the loss.

3.      Wait. In his time, he will redeem all things.

Perhaps you have reviewed the previous year or quarter and found regret. You may have let that exercise goal slip by the time April rolled around, you may not have read your Bible as much as you planned. You may have neglected savings when you said you wouldn’t. The disappointment hits every time you think about it, look in a mirror, check the bank balance, see the unchecked boxes on your reading plan. These things left undone can be redeemed.

As you move beyond the regret(s) and into your waiting, continue to move forward while seeking God’s counsel. As Psalm 37:3-5 says, ‘Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.’ We trust in the Lord; we continue to act, move, do; and we seek him. He will act. He redeems.