Do I have to reconcile after forgiveness?
It is hard to believe there are only three posts ‘til the end of the month and on to another topic. There is still so much that floods my mind when I consider forgiveness. But I think that the most pressing thing to consider now is the relationships that are the post-forgiveness.
Yes, that would mean reconciliation (I guess you knew that from the title of this little article, no way around that).
Forgiveness and Relationships
Forgiveness is all about recognizing, regretting, confessing and repenting of sin so that we will heal. Sometimes relationships heal too, but it does take work. And sometimes relationships are not healed, they are suffered or severed. Relationships take two people. Sometimes more in the case of family pains, but we will focus on two parties knowing that could be more. Two people working together to make a relationship. And relationships are based on trust. Sin breaks that trust. It is the rebuilding of trust in a relationship that constitutes reconciliation.
Sin and Repentance in Relations
So, firstly, we will consider the sin in the relationship. I hadn’t considered the story in Matthew 18 to be related to forgiveness and reconciliation until just this morning; this is the section of Matthew titled ‘Dealing with Sin in the Church.’ Remember that one: talk to just that person about their sin, and then more people and more if they ‘refuse to listen.’ This ‘refuse to listen’ is quite clearly ‘repent.’ What Jesus is saying to us is that when sin is brought to light within a relationship, there is opportunity for forgiveness, change, repentance and reconciliation. The clear point is made ‘if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector,’ (Matt 18:17). Treating the offender as a pagan or tax collector is the equivalent of ‘have nothing more to do with them.’
Reconciliation NOT Required
Reconciliation does not have to be the end goal in forgiveness. That is what these few lines say here in Matthew 18. We forgive the offender, but in this case, the offender does not change heart and is set out from fellowship. Paul also gives us an example as well. In 2 Timothy 4:14-15, Paul says that the Lord will repay Alexander for what he has done and warns others away from the metalworker. This may indicate forgiveness since God will handle punishment, but it does not include reconciliation.
Reality of Life vs. Cutting Off
The reality of life is that we do not always have the luxury of cutting people out of our lives. They remain a colleague, fellow church member, family member, or ex-family member. We (it seems inevitable) see these people and continue to interact with them. But we can forgive and continue healing even with continued interactions when we have Jesus’s permission to walk away. The relationship will change because of the lack of repentance. But our healing will make the new relationship bearable. Afterall, God is with us and in us, even in those interactions.
Reconciliation a Better Choice
That said, I do think that God wants us to reconcile. The illustration in Matthew 18 gives the person no fewer than three times to consider their sin. There is an ache in the lack of reconciliation, because we were made to love. We were made for fellowship. We were made for loving fellowship, which includes forgiveness and reconciliation. In most relationships, it is on-going: we arrive late, apologize; we push on issues, offend, and apologize. The relationship goes on despite the hurts that also go on, as two sinners in a broken world trying to live out the gospel of love. Many of our relationships grow and develop over time in the midst of this cycle. Others deteriorate or morph into something else. It is reconciliation and the new/changed relationships we will look at over the next two articles.
What do you think about reconciliation? Do you agree that God desires it for us? Do you think that it just won’t happen when there are certain hurts?
Looking for more resources on Forgiveness? Check out these resources: Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall (Book); Joseph: The journey to forgiveness, by Melissa Spoelstra (DVD). Forgiveness: A Lenten study, by Marjorie Thompson; Forgiveness: Breaking the power of the past, by Kay Arthur. And many more.
